Grandfetus Makes Naïve Grandpa Cry

First, enjoy this wonderful video:

(Please read the note of clarification at the end. [05/10/14])

At the end of the video, the woman says, “I’m 10 weeks.”

1 out of every 4 abortions occurs between the 9th-12th weeks. (Guttmacher Institute, 2014)

What is it that causes us to celebrate both these new lives and the ability to take them away?  What if we dared to think consistently?

Don’t celebrate quite yet, “Grandpa”–we have to make sure that this “baby” is really viable (i.e. wanted).  And how can we even know that yet? After all, a month from now during the 2nd trimester her doctors might find some conclusive evidence from amniocentisis or cordocentisis that the fetus has Down Syndrome.  We don’t want to force the parents to suffer under the oppression of a disabled child.  Additionally, we don’t want to force a child to suffer a difficult life. (I know I’d rather be dead than have Down Syndrome!)  Foolish Grandpa–always celebrating fetuses too early.

And what if the would-be-father loses his job in the coming weeks? Surely you can’t expect the couple to carry the fetus to term if they have to sacrifice their all-important financial goals, Grandpa.  Their dreams would be squashed–it would suck the life out them!  God has given them some really great opportunities–do you really think He’d want these great gifts to go to waste just because they decided to have a baby without His consent?  Really, they need to be saving the best years for themselves and then give what’s left over to their kids.  As my Spanish teacher taught me, “Always look out for number uno.”

If only you’d realize what you’re crying about: a non-feeling, unsmart, parasitic blob of stuff.  You do realize that this “blob of stuff” is really just made out of frozen pizza, beets, and whatever else your daughter eats, right?  So for her to abort this food-baby would be no different than for you to defecate that take-out that you regret having eaten (and when you gotta go, you gotta go, right?).  God forbid that she instigates a natural bodily process of heading down to the local Planned Parenthood to get this thing vacuumed out if she & her husband run into any problems!  (Ah, Nature, thank you for the circle of life and for the technology to keep it moving as we wish.)

I’m beginning to question why this couple is at all excited about this fetus-thing–so many things could go wrong and could create lifelong inconvenience.  Your daughter has to think through this clearly, because once that fetus transforms into a baby (which is helpfully discerned by our trustworthy state & federal governments), it’s game over.  She’s still got time, though, before the metamorphosis takes place–so please respect her time while she still considers it a fetus (for it is, after all, every mother’s right to determine when a fetus does in fact become a child).  And please don’t cry, Grandpa–you’re manipulating your daughter into thinking that she’s having a baby.

Silly Grandpa, crying about a fetus as if it were his grandchild.

I do not mean to spoil this truly heart-warming video for anyone–but I do wish to spoil the notion that you can be both emotionally moved by this video and pro-choice with consistency.
Bless the tears of this old man whose reaction to new life is inspiring–may we view all new life, especially “unwanted” life, with such reverence and love.
Bless the couple in this video as well as the new grandpa–I hope that all goes well for them and their new baby.
Bless couples who now find themselves in a tough spot and are considering abortion–may they be given all that they need from God through the Church in order to choose to let the baby live the life it has already been given.
Bless the God to whom we owe our very lives: He who gave us the breath of life.

ghosts & coasts,

Note of Clarification (05/10/14): I posted this post in faith, and I’m keeping it up in faith–but after some good reflection (which I should have, truthfully, done before), I decided that it would be good to clarify a few things.  As I’m sure you caught on, this is satire, which accounts for the different tone in this post.  Engaging in polemics & satire is completely biblical (Jesus did it!), but it requires great care in imitating.  This is my first piece of satire, and as much as I tried to craft it cautiously, I’m afraid I probably fell short.  If this post sounded too shrill–angry & bitter, without good humor–to you, then I am sorry.  I won’t apologize because satire is wrong–but I will humbly apologize if my satire here is wrong.  As I communicated at the end of the post, God’s grace abounds, even for the abortionist, the woman who gets an abortion, the woman who thinks about abortion, & the inexperienced writer of satire.  grace & peace to you.


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